What Can Iocaine Powder Do for You?
by chocolatequeen
Summary: A humorous JAG story using lines and plot devices from The Princess Bride


The Princess Bride is one of my favorite movies. I was watching it a few nights ago, and when Vicini started going off about Australians, I realized there was a lot of potential there...  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or The Princess Bride. Actually, I'm a college grad who doesn't own much of anything.  
  
This is not one coherent story, but a collection of loosely related vignettes, so don't look for a plot line.  
  
Scene 1: Harm and Mac on the ferry  
  
"I'm just not ready to let go yet," Harm explained.  
  
"How many seasons do I have to wait?" Mac asked slowly.  
  
"I don't know, but this is true love. Do you think this happens every episode?"  
  
Later, as Mac ponders this...  
  
"I will never love again."  
  
(Enter Mic)  
  
"Will you marry me, luv?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
(Purposely accelerated for my purposes.)  
  
Scene 2: Sarah and Mic's wedding  
  
As Harm enterd the church, he could hear the priest begin the ceremony. "Mahwiage... mahwiage is what bwings us togeveh today..." "No! I can't be too late!" he thought frantically.  
  
He raced into the sanctuary as the priest said, "Wuv, twue wuv, wilw fowwow you foeveh..."  
  
Just then Mac turned around and spotted him in the back of the church. Suddenly knowing what she had to do, she pulled the ring off her finger and tossed it at Mic. "Shove off, mate," she said as she walked out of the church with Harm.  
  
"You can't get rid of me that easily," he snarled. "Hear this now--I will always come for you!"  
  
Scene 3: Mic has captured Sarah and Harm is trying to get her back.  
  
"The battle of wits has begun. It ends when we both drink and find out who is right and who is dead," Mic announced.  
  
Harm gave a bored sigh. "But that's so easy," he said. "I only have to divine from what I know of you--are you the sort of man who would put the poison in your own goblet or his enemy's?  
  
"Now a clever man would put the poison in his own goblet, knowing that only a great fool would take what he was offered. You are not a clever man, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. However, because you're simpleminded, you might have put the poison in your own goblet so you wouldn't lose track of it. Therefore I can also not choose the wine in front of you."  
  
"Made your choice, mate?"  
  
"Nope. For iocainne comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is peopled entirely with criminals who are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.  
  
"However, you know I always do my research, you would have counted on me knowing the poison's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front me."  
  
"You're stalling," Mic said, uncomfortable with the way this was turing out.  
  
"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you! You overestimate yourself, which means you're incredibly cocky, so y ou might have put the poison in your own goblet because you think you're invincible. However, you're also mad at me for "stealing" Mac away, so you might have wanted the poison as close to me as possible."  
  
"You're trying to get me to give something up. It won't work."  
  
"It has worked! I know where the poison is!"  
  
"Then choose already!"  
  
"I choose... What in the world could that be?!" As Mic looked away, Harm nailed him in the jaw and knocked him out.  
  
"How did you do that?" Mac asked as the ran away.  
  
"Easy. He fell victim to one of the classic blunders of all time--never look away when you're sitting across the table from a guy with a good right cross."  
  
Scene 4: Harm and Mac are in the Fire Swamp.  
  
"What are the freak errors of the Fire Swamp?" he asked. "The flame spurt-- no problem, there's that odd popping noise before each one, we can avoid that. And we both know what lightning sand looks like, so we can avoid that too."  
  
"But Harm, what about the AOUS's?"  
  
"Aussies of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist." Just as he said this a 15' tall Mic charged out of the forest to attack. Thinking quickly, Harm grabbed a stick and poked him. Mic screeched and shrank down to normal size as he ran for cover. "See Mac, it was just his overinflated ego. All I had to do was deflate him a little bit."  
  
Scene 5: Miracle Max's  
  
"Bye bye kids," Max called. "You two are perfect for each other."  
  
"Think they'll ever hook up?" Valerie asked.  
  
"It would take a miracle."  
  
Scene 6: Mac and Harm have climbed down the Cliffs of Insanity  
  
"See? We made it," Harm told her.  
  
"That's not the only thing I see," she retorted. "Look!"  
  
Following her gaze up the wall, Harm spied another figure creeping down the rocky face. "Won't he ever give up?" he asked.  
  
Just as he finished his question, they heard a loud oath from up the wall. A few rocks skittered down, and then another curse. Then right before their unbelieving eyes, Brumby fell to his death. After staring in shock for a moment, Mac lightened the moment by commenting, "Well, it was a fitting death for him--falling from the Cliffs of Insanity."  
  
Last scene!!  
  
Mac and Harm were seated at a table when The Author walked by and noticed their positions and the awkward silence. "You two aren't together yet?" she asked disgustedly. "Inconceivable!"  
  
As you can see, I really don't like Brumby and I hope he never comes back. I also have the whole movie memorized, so if you can't find the connection in one of the scenes, it's probably because you've never noticed the line before. I'm particularly proud of scene 3, though. 


End file.
